sábado, 10 de febrero de 2007

El deseo en sidecar

Yazmina me contó anoche que estaba enamorada en secreto del tendero. Ya no sueña con el queso parmesano, ahora le gustaría que le sirviera un poco de queso semental. Me extrañó que me hiciera ese tipo de confidencias, no es una mujer que crea que todo el monte es orgasmo. Todo cambió en su vida, sospecho, cuando llamó a la empresa que se dedicaba a blindar puertas. Cuando se presentó en su pisito el operario, decidió que lo que quería era que le instalase una puerta acorazonada en su vida. El intercambio de servicios funcionó un tiempo, hasta que notó que en el fondo el tipo blindaba bien, pero con las puertas correderas era un desastre. Le dió un portazo a la relación y, al poco tiempo, encontró un poeta en ciernes. El pobre chaval ponía todo su empeño, pero solo sabía de pareados, cuando Yazmina precisaba más bien de apareados. El dueño de una armería también aportó su granito de pólvora a esta historia, pero se quedaba encasquillado con harta frecuencia.
Mi fuerte nunca ha sido dar consejos, pero creo que le voy a sugerir que se lance pendiente abajo, o cuesta arriba, según se mire. Odio el papel del desarticulador de utopías, yo me limito a acordonar las suspicacias y luego interrogarlas de una en una. Ojalá se lance pronto al ruedo y dejen de cruzarse hipnóticas miradas llenas de acasos. Hasta donde yo sé, ninguno de ellos lleva inscrita en su piel ninguna fecha de caducidad.
Ayer, mientras caminaba por la playa, vi familias enteras desperdigadas en la arena que habían comprado los abonos para una nueva temporada de la felicidad. No debería retrasarse Yazmina en acercarse hasta la taquilla donde las expenden, ella verá si luego se queda a ver el festival completo.

122 Comments:

Blogger Arcángel Mirón said...

Es cierto, ni Yazmina ni los demás deberíamos dejar pasar esas cosas. Claro que la cuesta arriba da vértigo, ni hablar de la cuesta abajo.

Por otra parte, desconfío de quienes son expertos colocadores de puertas acorazonadas o acorazadas...

10 febrero, 2007 19:34  
Blogger evita said...

Mmmm... casi me quedo con la adicción al pre-amor. No hay nada como el subidón inicial. Pero tal vez Yazmina, tu, yo y todos los demás nos podriamos asomar un poquito y mirar hacia delante: a lo mejor es mas adictivo que las primeras flores. ;)

Un beso, o mil. A demanda.

10 febrero, 2007 19:38  
Blogger Ártemis Sublime said...

Si es la Yazmina que conozco será imposible convencerla. Aunque pida consejos la niña es muy indecisa, aunque su convicción muy fuerte y por ello siempre llega a buen puerto.

10 febrero, 2007 20:06  
Blogger silversroadnottaken said...

si no te mueves caducas... es lo unico que se... la felicidad se contagia,, no se vende, no se compra... , muy buena tu sugerecia de la habitacion roja... detective nos queda lo mejor por vivir.. que pedazo atardecer esta tarde...

10 febrero, 2007 20:08  
Blogger Roy Batty said...

solo una pregunta al duenho del blog; cada vez que yo lea unos de tus posts "debo" leerlo como si estuviese hablando humprhey bogart?

solo por curiosidad.

10 febrero, 2007 20:22  
Blogger CaZaDoRa De SueÑoS said...

Playa en pleno febrero....con eso la tal Yazmina debería estar mas que contenta xD

10 febrero, 2007 20:44  
Anonymous Itoitz said...

Me ha encantado el queso SEMENTAL y la puerta ACORAZONADA. Esto me recuerda a mi amiga LOREA…
Hace algunos años conocí a una chica que quiso visitar una exposición sobre el jurasico que se mostraba en Bilbao; pero finalmente no asistió al averiguar que no habían traído dinosaurios vivos, y tan solo exhibirían fotos y maquetas; unos meses después, en un afán exacerbado de superación, y aún no recuperados del shock de imaginar brontosauros pastando por el Parque de Doña Casilda; tuvo que acudir a la comisaría de Bilbao a tramitar su DNI, en compañía de un par de amigos que se desternillaron de risa, cuando a propósito de sus datos personales el funcionario le preguntó : “Vecina de…?” y ella sencillamente respondió: “Joseba creo que se llama…” . Aquel instante marcó un punto de inflexión en nuestras vidas, fue la madre de todas las paridas; pero llegarían mas, muchas mas…

10 febrero, 2007 21:16  
Anonymous Itoitz said...

Era tan peculiar, que durante un viaje a Madrid, su madre nos advirtió que estuviéramos pendientes de ella ya que no había salido del pueblo en su vida; y al comentárselo, enojada contestó: “¿Y no os ha contado cuando estuve en las piscinas de Vitoria, o que?”. Aún recuerdo la media hora de carcajadas en el restaurante; y cuando pensaba que ya no podría reír ni un segundo más, abrió la carta de postres y muy dignamente pidió un melocotón en “ANIBAL”. Durante aquellos días participamos en un Quizshow de televisión, una competición entre regiones, en la que el espectáculo absoluto fue ella. Durante una pausa en la grabación, el programa nos ofreció un pequeño bocadillo de jamón serrano y un refresco, a lo que nuestra amiga exclamó a pleno pulmón: “¡vaya mariscada se ha pagado Telecinco; la perla de la ostra me he tragado!”; pero por si a alguien le había pasado desapercibida su presencia, destripó el tentempié, y fiambre en mano gritó: “¡Este jamón tiene mas nervios que la capitana de Galicia!”. Imaginaros la cara de estupefacción del equipo de al lado, vecinos de plató, rivales y por supuesto, gallegos…

10 febrero, 2007 21:18  
Anonymous Itoitz said...

Su padre decoraba sus orejas de pendientes que regalaban las patatas fritas “matutano”, mientras su madre paseaba por las fiestas de Bilbao en verano con botas de agua hasta las rodillas para no embadurnarse con los excesos de plástico que alfombraban el suelo de las txoznas. Era una familia tan peculiar, que cada miembro compraba su comida sin ningún tipo de rigor ni coordinación; cada cual se cocinaba su ración,; recogía su parte de la vajilla y se sentaba en la sala a charlar como si nada. En otra ocasión redactó su currículum enumerando cada curso de la EGB que había estudiado; y detallando las cafeterías de su ciudad donde realizaba manicuras a las mujeres.
Su vida es una accidentada comedia italiana repleta de lapsos y disparates. Cada situación se suma a un número incalculable de despropósitos; mientras su corazón embalsa una inmensa bondad.
“Lorea, creo que se llama…”.

10 febrero, 2007 21:19  
Blogger bebita said...

"El intercambio de servicios funcionó un tiempo, hasta que notó que en el fondo el tipo blindaba bien, pero con las puertas correderas era un desastre". Y ya se sabe que si las correderas no funcionan... Besitos!!

10 febrero, 2007 23:47  
Blogger Isabel said...

Qué personal manera de sugerir,
Sr. Detective.
Me parece que usted también viaja con sidecar ,pero la imaginación es su grata compañera de trayecto...
Mis saludos.

10 febrero, 2007 23:57  
Blogger Z... said...

-aló, ¿allí vive el acordonador de suspicacias? tengo un trabajo para él... sí, es que me han sucedido un par de acasos (o acosos, u ocasos, igual da), y quisiera, pues...

11 febrero, 2007 00:45  
Blogger atikus said...

Que Yazmina le compre queso de tetilla, que de lo que se come se cria y asi le tienta.

11 febrero, 2007 02:05  
Blogger Sintagma in Blue said...

Detective... ¡genial! (como siempre)

(itoitz, ¿qué haríamos sin alma-cántaro de esas? :-)))

11 febrero, 2007 09:29  
Blogger Camilo de Ory said...

No me gustan las familias desperdigadas por la playa: la vida familiar es el infierno y el día de playa es la exhibición más bien impúdica de la sentencia que lo condena a uno.

A no ser que la familia tenga un perro enorme que se llama Rufo y se pasea destrozando castillos de arena por la orilla: en esa imagen ya hay algo más de dignidad y lúdico descanso.

11 febrero, 2007 09:49  
Anonymous valeria said...

Yazmina, estando enamorada, necesitaría un pellizco en el culo para dar un paso adelante, posiblemente...
Si se acerca a la taquilla de la playa, puede que la cola le haga retroceder y parece indecisa... mejor el atajo de la reventa...

Me gustó este post.
Un saludo, detective

11 febrero, 2007 12:13  
Blogger Javier López Clemente said...

Hola Detective.
Otro croche y van nosecuantos.

Hace tiempo escribí un relato sobre el devenir erótico-sentimental de una chica. Lo tengo en un cajón a la espera de maduración del texto y de un servidor... después de leer que el deseo viaja es sidecar no estoy seguro de si tengo que abrir el cajón o cerrarlo definitivamente.

Salu2 Córneos.

11 febrero, 2007 13:24  
Anonymous churra said...

A lo mejor esta vez la gracia esta ahí en los cruces de miradas al comprar el queso.
Ser el propio espectaculo y no un espectador....

Genial detective . Besos

11 febrero, 2007 15:03  
Blogger maite said...

esto ya se lo dije a alguien hace un tiempo... cada vez que entro a leerte es como si empezara un libro nuevo, así lo siento, eres un regalo detective!!!
un beso

11 febrero, 2007 16:36  
Blogger Persio said...

cuesta arriba, cuesta abajo, estos enamoramientos producen vértigo del necesario!
saludos!

11 febrero, 2007 17:10  
Blogger India Ning said...

Teniéndote cerca, con la orejas abiertas, Yazmina no necesita más consejo. El tiempo le marcará el camino.

11 febrero, 2007 17:20  
Anonymous medidor-espacio-virtual said...

ITOITZ .. estás loco, miedo me da cuando te encuentro, lo peor que te veo en todos los blogs, qué cruz
..qué poca capacidad de síntesis, tío

11 febrero, 2007 17:53  
Blogger desconvencida said...

jaja, detective, como adicta al queso que confieso ser, lo de "queso semental" me ha llegado al alma :D

11 febrero, 2007 18:00  
Blogger Hôichi said...

No se el amor es como el bajón después de un buen colocón o un gran pelotazo, te hace volar para después sumirte en la mierda jejeeee. Pero no reniego que conste jejeee

un abrazo

11 febrero, 2007 19:33  
Blogger patri said...

buen consejo, lanzarse! ....es que si no te pasas la vida, " y si??", pa 4 días que estamos aquí prefiero morir en el intento!!

11 febrero, 2007 21:32  
Blogger kamala said...

Yo estaba a punto de decir que yo quería un abono de esos para la felicidad... pero no estoy segura... a ver si va a ser una felicidad de esas como la de los anuncios, que es una felicidad de atrezo que dura lo que duran los focos y el público...

Creo que voy a seguir lanzándome cuesta arriba.

11 febrero, 2007 21:59  
Blogger Hugo said...

Muy interesante tus juegos de palabras. Pobre Yazmina... le costará rodar cuesta arriba.
Sigue escribiendo, te seguiré leyendo.

11 febrero, 2007 22:23  
Blogger Apin said...

Y tú cuando comprarás tu entrada?;)
Besos, escribes genial

11 febrero, 2007 23:03  
Blogger Paula said...

"me limito a acordonar las suspicacias y luego interrogarlas de una en una"

Mi reino por conocer cómo eres capaz de acordonar suspicacias...


Y no lo olvides, los abonos no sólo son para Yazmina

12 febrero, 2007 10:09  
Blogger quantum said...

Cuando el deseo va sobre ruedas, incluso las de un sidecar, todas las utopías son posibles.

12 febrero, 2007 11:12  
Anonymous Anónimo said...

Si las puertas hablaran!!!....
Besos detec!
LaOnza

12 febrero, 2007 11:48  
Blogger Nathalie said...

Geniales los juegos de palabras...lo del qeuso semental ya lo había oido yo pedir en par de charcuterías jejejeje

un abrazo

12 febrero, 2007 12:19  
Blogger nosue said...

Buenísimo, demasiadas yazminas repartidas por el mundo, que aman en secreto cuando eso en realidad... no nos lleva a ningún lado..., voto por ser capaz de decir a todos los amantes secretos que les amamos¡¡¡

Me encantó el papel de "desarticulador de utopías" nunca lo habría definido así, pero en cuanto te he leído se me han venido a la cabeza unos cuantos... a esos no los queremos¡¡¡
un beso

12 febrero, 2007 13:06  
Blogger TERESA said...

Precioso texto..si me permites la confianza,te añado a mis blogs preferidos.

12 febrero, 2007 13:17  
Blogger Duna said...

Entre notas de humor has creado una historia de mensaje directo. Como tantas veces, felicidades por tus palabras.

(Por cierto, te dejé un mensaje en mi blog)

12 febrero, 2007 13:46  
Blogger Mari said...

jajjjjjajjajaja
guay
ok, no es pisiconalista de ellas
but ¿de ellos si?

12 febrero, 2007 13:49  
Blogger Sirena said...

Genial historia, detective. Me encantó. Hay que lanzarse al ruedo y evitar más los peros y el miedo, que precisamente eso es lo que nos frena. Estamos aquí de paso y tenemos que VIVIR con mayúsculas. Creo que yo también me compraré un abono para la felicidad. Un beso. Un placer descubrirte.

12 febrero, 2007 13:54  
Anonymous calma said...

Que razón tienes... pero que difícil es a veces.
Chapeau, como siempre

12 febrero, 2007 19:20  
Blogger mandarina azul said...

Ni fechas de caducidad en su piel ni permisos de conducir caducados. ¡Hay que rodar!

12 febrero, 2007 19:23  
Anonymous Lola said...

Las puertas acorazonadas se abren si se tiene la llave que cabe en su pomo. El queso Semental es el más rico, sobre todo el que no te hace ponerte muy gorda....

12 febrero, 2007 20:38  
Blogger nancicomansi said...

No pierde el tiempo Yazmina...y tiene toda la razón en no hacerlo...

12 febrero, 2007 20:59  
Blogger Astilla said...

Este comentario ha sido eliminado por el autor.

12 febrero, 2007 21:31  
Blogger Astilla said...

A veces uno debería de comprar boletos en todas las taquillas y luego ponerse a escoger a cual espectáculo acude y a cual no...pero siempre con los boletos en la mano.

Lindo texto detective.
Besos.

12 febrero, 2007 21:36  
Blogger Peggy said...

eso de cambiara a nuevos quesos ...especialmente al semental es una buena idea :)

12 febrero, 2007 21:58  
Blogger JeSs said...

Yo quiero un abono para esa obra...espero llegar a tiempo. Saludos y cariños.

12 febrero, 2007 23:22  
Blogger gaia56 said...

Mégico el uso que haces de las palabras, precioso relato.
Me quedo con el "acordonador de suspicacias"...
Un abrazo.

13 febrero, 2007 06:29  
Blogger andrés said...

había sin duda una brecha cultural. No sólo la de Yazmina, digo.

13 febrero, 2007 09:12  
Blogger ALOMA69 said...

Vaya, vaya, queso semental!
Espléndido post como siempre.

Un saludo!

13 febrero, 2007 11:21  
Blogger almena said...

Genial, tu festival de palabras y de equívocos.
Un olé a tu ingenio.

Y un abrazo!

13 febrero, 2007 11:42  
Blogger Tamaruca said...

Demasiado queso parmesano es empalagoso a veces.

Por otro lado, si entras a ver un festival, ¿cómo no vas a quedarte hasta el final? No resistiría sin saber cómo termina la función, ¿y Tú?

Un besico convaleciente y muy agradecido por las visitas ;)

13 febrero, 2007 11:46  
Blogger Liter-3 said...

Vale la pena comprar un abono y ver el festival completo.
En estas situaciones, las dudas son malas consejeras.

Petonet!

13 febrero, 2007 14:58  
Blogger la perdedora ludópata said...

El tendero, el operario de puertas, el poeta, el dueño de la armería... SEGURO QUE NO SABÍAN VOLAR y por eso perdían el tiempo con ella.

Vir

13 febrero, 2007 21:14  
Blogger Emily said...

Cada uno tiene que elegir su camino, siguiendo sus instintos y necesidades. No siempre lo habitual es el camino de la felicidad personal...

17 febrero, 2007 07:51  
Blogger Para, creo que voy a vomitar said...

Un texto que he leído con una sonrisa de medio lado.

Estupendos juegos de palabras.

21 febrero, 2007 22:26  
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